Today

A year ago today started out great. I can still remember it was a beautiful, sunny day with a hint of spring in the air. I was just 5 days away from my due date and I was so anxious to meet my little girl. I had already decided that when I left work that afternoon to go to my weekly doctor's appointment, I would begin my maternity leave. I was ready. I was very excited that the doctor had scheduled an ultrasound before my appointment, we hadn't had one since week 18. They just wanted to take a quick look so we could decide when to induce if she didn't cooperate and come on time.

I think it was around 2:30pm, I wrapped things up at work, said goodbye to everyone and promised to keep them updated. Jason met me at the doctors and we were both so full of anticipation. The ultrasound was wonderful, although Alex wouldn't cooperate and look in the right direction for us to get any good 4D shots. We laughed about it and said " oh well, we'll see her soon enough". We waited the usual 20 minutes or so to be seen by the doctor, and he did a quick exam. Much to my dismay I was barely dilated and our little lady did not appear to be ready to move out any time soon. The doctor stepped out so I could get dressed and he said he would come back in to discuss what our plan for the next 1-2 weeks would be.

It was in that instant, when he walked back in the room and sat across from us with a somber look on his face, that my whole world just froze.

A year ago today I was told something was wrong with my little girl. I was told no one really knew what it meant, but there was an issue with her brain. I was told she would need to be evaluated by NICU specialists the moment she was born. I was told I might need a C-Section if she appeared in any sort of distress during labor and delivery. I was told it could be hydrocephalus and she could need surgery soon after birth. I was told she could have brain damage. I was told we should get her out soon so we could evaluate the situation.

A year ago today a part of my heart broke, a part that will never quite be put back together. A year ago today I experienced a fear and pain like I had never before felt. A year ago today I put on a brave face as I tried to listen to what the doctor was saying, but soon it just all faded away as I sunk into despair. A year ago today I held strong as I scheduled my induction for 3 days later and gave the nurse all the necessary information. A year ago today I walked out of the office and fell into Jason's arms in one big overwhelming sob. A year ago today I began a 3 day journey of learning how to get through each day, take care of daily tasks, make final preparations, and pray harder than I had in my entire life.

But today, I woke up to the sound of my almost-one-year-old babbling in her crib.

Today I walked into her room and her head popped right up and she said "hi" and smiled that beautiful, radiant smile of hers.

Today I thank God for all He has given us since that day a year ago.

Today I no longer focus on a year ago, I focus on today. I focus on my wonderful little girl, who did not have hydrocephalus, who did not need surgery and who does not have brain damage. She does have ACC, but we can handle that, we have learned this year how to handle it well. Everyday of the past year has been a precious gift and I can now put that day a year ago far behind me, letting go of that fear and embracing the joy of Alex's life.

Today is a good day!